interesting

Some lessons you just never seem to learn, and even at the end the day you are still totally prepared to drop everything you have already learnt and revert back to old habits. Why? Because they are comfortable, even if only temporarily.

I'm in an extremely painful place right now. And although I had tried to prepare myself for it, I of course, didn't do very well at all. I mean, come on, are we ever REALLY prepared for our heart to feel like it's cracking into even more pieces? But thats neither here nor there at the moment. I've managed extremely well to have somebody (anybody) online in the last 36 hours to keep my mind away from my immediate problem. A fairly emotional, pressing problem. I wasn't talking to these people ABOUT said problem, just keeping my mind busy enough so I couldn't think about it myself.
And then, hows that for karma, after everything is said and done with this problem, TADA nobody online whatsoever. Haha it's perfect. To follow his 36 hours of total silence, I am plunged into mine.
So the major circular dilema has dropped itself right in front of me. I can call him. I know he'll be there for me in his way, the same way that dropped me like nothing back when, but I know he'll be there for me right now. It's sick, and it's totally twisted. Why of all people would I want to turn to him in my time of need? I know he'll just invite me to come to Colorado, and me in my stupid pathetic little puppy dog way would buy a plane ticket. BARF!! BARF BARF BARF!!

I am ALWAYS there for him when he needs me, no matter what. But as much as I feel that he would be there right now, he wouldn't. Because his own selfish needs always take precidence, and I'm just known as the girl that has a big soft spot for him. He knows no matter what he can rely on me, so do I take some kind of weird pride in this, to make me want to call him? I'm fully just talking to myself here, but I cant understand it. Why would I turn to somebody who has treated me so poorly, time and time again? And really, it's much more than treated me poorly. It's a much deeper, painful reminder of the kind of attention I illicit.

Ok, end rant.

I went for a walk. I found a big park in the middle of nowhere, and laid down in the snow and started at the stars. I cried. I screamed some Tool lyrics. I pondered, and I told myself my ass was getting soaked and I needed to get up before I started to shake.