I'm in one piece again.

The last five weeks have been both theraputic and beneficial.
I have been dumped, kicked out of my apartment, and made some tough choices in my life.
I move into my own apartment again on August 18th and I start again. Easy as that!

I want to be a lose poem in a strangers coat pocket

I attempted to banish any online blogging all together but I find that my thoughts come out alot easier, and more eloquently when Im using a keyboard. I think I have a hard time writing with my hand fast enough to keep up with my thoughts and in the process I lose alot of what I want to say.
Did you buy that? I might have, I don't even know anymore.

I have a habit of associating my worth as a human being by who I am with in a relationship respect. It's destructive,self depreciating, and turning into a complete nightmare because when I am single I have a hard time feeling like I am doing anything important with my life whatsoever. And... well, I've been single for close to two years now.. and I have 2 years worth of vices, bad habits, and frustrations piling on top of me in one gigantic pile of shiet. I am aware that I go out of my way to never be alone and I am starting to understand why. Being alone is scary and it forces me to have accountability for my actions, and its alot easier to just avoid those thoughts. Sometimes they suck. I do alot of stupid things. I know better, I have learnt how to avoid making these mistakes and yet I avoid the lessons I have learnt. I'm sick of this cycle and I am finally starting to make the changes that are neccessary to start changing the way I think. I am currently flailing like nobodies business.

I have no family. I have a bad habit of only really letting people into my psyche on a superficial level, or not at all. I really have no idea what I'm doing with my life and what I want. I have this raging constant need for validation, support, being told that I am doing things for the right reasons, etc etc.... AND IT DRIVES ME CRAZY! Even the act of having the livejournal where people can read about what I'm doing and comment on it... well in theory its a great idea, but in actuality it's just asking for validation in a different manner. I cut that blog out of my life because I identified that. I have cut out bad influences in my life because I have been able to recognize them as just that. I keep having temporary relapses into old habits and running to past people who have cared about me, or situations I feel comfortable in, or even just the solace of a stranger to help me feel better - and I'm sick of it.

I am smart. I Have alot to be thankful for. I need to embrace that alot more.

And a little more on that subject...

I found myself sitting on the bus today staring off into space. My eyes fell upon the couple sitting directly in front of me with their fingers intertwined, matching rings twinkling in the sun peeking in through the window behind them. I was jealous. I was honestly jealous of two people I had never met in my life simply because they presented the illusion of something I want.
Harsh.

Oh, hi!

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Mesmerizing the Ultra

So it's a revival of a blog that only two people know the URL to. I'm not really sure why I feel the need to have a seperate blog from the one that I already have but here I am again.

I'm pretty muddled right now. I'm torn between trying to make the things in my life right that need attention and breaking down and running back to the people in my life that have hurt me. I don't know why I feel the need for somebodies affection as much as I do... but I am pretty disgusted with myself for it. I wish that i was stronger and more grounded with myself than I apparently am... but I'm not.
I don't really have anything special or thought out to say to this... but I needed to write this little bit out... just for me.

frustrated.

do you ever get the impression that everybody you're surrounded by is so wrapped up in themselves that they cant give a shit about whats going on with you?

I dont know, maybe I'm the exact same way. I just feel like when I have shit going on in my own life that the people I put myself out for the most are oblivious to me. I don't want sympathy, I just want the ear to vent.

Pie says:
you know you have true appriciation for alcohol when you drink by yourself

wtf.

I think that I am having an anxiety attack..... perhaps?

weird
my throat feels like it's constricting itself and closing over... and it just started about 20 minutes ago, so I dont think it's a cold/flu type bug
weird.
hard to take a deep breath
interesting development

permission to be totally selfish and think only of myself without being judged by those around me?

I guess because there are only 2 people with the URL to this blog and nobody ever comments I might be allowed to get away with this.

I have been trying to be selfless, but I feel backed up with crap I probably have no right to complain about, but feel the need to anyways.

* In the last four years, no matter how bad things have gotten I have always been able to turn to snowboarding. When things with Colorado were at their worst, when my finances were a raging wreck, when my family wouldn't even talk to me, when I felt like nobody in the world understood me at all - I could strap in, huck myself down the run and it would all melt away. Logic dictates that the fact that my back problems have gotten nothing but worse in the past 4 years, and that the RMT that I have seen has told me that I should stop snowboarding because I could seriously injure myself for life - I should quit. And I am, but it's not something that is sitting well with me AT ALL - and I'm finding myself quite frustrated at the lack of sesitivity some of my friends are choosing to execute when talking to me about this. I am proud that they wouldn't have any problems at all just quitting whatever they were told to without thinking twice, but thats a harder pill for me to swallow. I haven't complained to anybody about it yet - BUT I AM REALLY FUCKING UPSET ABOUT THIS. ARG! I really wish that people weren't belittling my choices.

* The back. The fucking back. Being in pain all the time is not fun. Its debhilitating, and I have been struggling with this for years. I don't expect people to understand exactly how much it fucks you up not being able to sleep, being constantly sore and trying to still live a fulfilling life and doing the things that make you happy. I try and not let this effect my life, and I dont expect sympathy... but it really frustrates me when I get ripped into for making a questionable choice. Yes, I danced for an hour on Saturday. Yes, I was told not to. Yes, Im aware that it was not the best decision... but wtf. Am I supposed to just roll over and die - ? I am only a human and giving up literally all the physical stuff that I love to do is going to take me some time. Fuck.

* It was my best friends birthday last weekend and a huge party was thrown and I wasn't invited. Totally slighted. I'm pretty hurt by this, and have asked why, but I haven't been replied to. I don't get it.

Ugh. I don't even see any point in continuing this shitfest.