I want to be a lose poem in a strangers coat pocket

I attempted to banish any online blogging all together but I find that my thoughts come out alot easier, and more eloquently when Im using a keyboard. I think I have a hard time writing with my hand fast enough to keep up with my thoughts and in the process I lose alot of what I want to say.
Did you buy that? I might have, I don't even know anymore.

I have a habit of associating my worth as a human being by who I am with in a relationship respect. It's destructive,self depreciating, and turning into a complete nightmare because when I am single I have a hard time feeling like I am doing anything important with my life whatsoever. And... well, I've been single for close to two years now.. and I have 2 years worth of vices, bad habits, and frustrations piling on top of me in one gigantic pile of shiet. I am aware that I go out of my way to never be alone and I am starting to understand why. Being alone is scary and it forces me to have accountability for my actions, and its alot easier to just avoid those thoughts. Sometimes they suck. I do alot of stupid things. I know better, I have learnt how to avoid making these mistakes and yet I avoid the lessons I have learnt. I'm sick of this cycle and I am finally starting to make the changes that are neccessary to start changing the way I think. I am currently flailing like nobodies business.

I have no family. I have a bad habit of only really letting people into my psyche on a superficial level, or not at all. I really have no idea what I'm doing with my life and what I want. I have this raging constant need for validation, support, being told that I am doing things for the right reasons, etc etc.... AND IT DRIVES ME CRAZY! Even the act of having the livejournal where people can read about what I'm doing and comment on it... well in theory its a great idea, but in actuality it's just asking for validation in a different manner. I cut that blog out of my life because I identified that. I have cut out bad influences in my life because I have been able to recognize them as just that. I keep having temporary relapses into old habits and running to past people who have cared about me, or situations I feel comfortable in, or even just the solace of a stranger to help me feel better - and I'm sick of it.

I am smart. I Have alot to be thankful for. I need to embrace that alot more.

And a little more on that subject...

I found myself sitting on the bus today staring off into space. My eyes fell upon the couple sitting directly in front of me with their fingers intertwined, matching rings twinkling in the sun peeking in through the window behind them. I was jealous. I was honestly jealous of two people I had never met in my life simply because they presented the illusion of something I want.
Harsh.

Oh, hi!

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