Pie says:
you know you have true appriciation for alcohol when you drink by yourself

wtf.

I think that I am having an anxiety attack..... perhaps?

weird
my throat feels like it's constricting itself and closing over... and it just started about 20 minutes ago, so I dont think it's a cold/flu type bug
weird.
hard to take a deep breath
interesting development

permission to be totally selfish and think only of myself without being judged by those around me?

I guess because there are only 2 people with the URL to this blog and nobody ever comments I might be allowed to get away with this.

I have been trying to be selfless, but I feel backed up with crap I probably have no right to complain about, but feel the need to anyways.

* In the last four years, no matter how bad things have gotten I have always been able to turn to snowboarding. When things with Colorado were at their worst, when my finances were a raging wreck, when my family wouldn't even talk to me, when I felt like nobody in the world understood me at all - I could strap in, huck myself down the run and it would all melt away. Logic dictates that the fact that my back problems have gotten nothing but worse in the past 4 years, and that the RMT that I have seen has told me that I should stop snowboarding because I could seriously injure myself for life - I should quit. And I am, but it's not something that is sitting well with me AT ALL - and I'm finding myself quite frustrated at the lack of sesitivity some of my friends are choosing to execute when talking to me about this. I am proud that they wouldn't have any problems at all just quitting whatever they were told to without thinking twice, but thats a harder pill for me to swallow. I haven't complained to anybody about it yet - BUT I AM REALLY FUCKING UPSET ABOUT THIS. ARG! I really wish that people weren't belittling my choices.

* The back. The fucking back. Being in pain all the time is not fun. Its debhilitating, and I have been struggling with this for years. I don't expect people to understand exactly how much it fucks you up not being able to sleep, being constantly sore and trying to still live a fulfilling life and doing the things that make you happy. I try and not let this effect my life, and I dont expect sympathy... but it really frustrates me when I get ripped into for making a questionable choice. Yes, I danced for an hour on Saturday. Yes, I was told not to. Yes, Im aware that it was not the best decision... but wtf. Am I supposed to just roll over and die - ? I am only a human and giving up literally all the physical stuff that I love to do is going to take me some time. Fuck.

* It was my best friends birthday last weekend and a huge party was thrown and I wasn't invited. Totally slighted. I'm pretty hurt by this, and have asked why, but I haven't been replied to. I don't get it.

Ugh. I don't even see any point in continuing this shitfest.

oh, yay

I'm having one of those days where I am so frustrated that I cant even taste the things I know taste good. Its sunny, for a change, and I'm feeling so blah that I just want to curl up under my desk and fade away.

an easy way to make beaner melt...

Lawrence says:
i've lived what i honestly think have been the best moments of my life this far,with you

mission.accomplished

trying not to cry
trying not to cry
trying not to cry

Earthenware Jar

I'd prefer to take my wine tonight
in an unglazed earthenware jar.
That way, each time it meets my lips,
I'll taste and be reminded of
the clay from which I came,
the clay in which I'll one day dwell
and one day I'll turn into

Zonas

What a strange and odd turn of events.

So I'm pretty shell shocked.
Today I start the preperations for getting my passport, spoke with my boss about getting the time off I need for my trip, and fully came to the realization that I am actually planning a trip to Cyprus in the summer.
I have never left this continent. I have never pondered leaving this continent.
I knew travelling would be in my plans at some point, but it just never seemed like the appropriate time for me to do it... and to be quite honest, I had no desire to. I knew that I wanted to see Singapore, and the Mediterranean Sea, and the beaches of Bermuda... but I didn't forsee travel plans in the future.
And..... why not? I'm 23, people have usually travelled around to at least a few places by then.... I've only been to Colorado, Las Vegas and California. It's definetely time I check out what the rest of the world has to offer!

So yeah, I'm feeling really bizaare about this all. Super fucking excited, too, because not only am I getting a ridiculous opportunity to spend time in an absoloutely gorgeous city... but I get to do so with somebody that treats me better than anybody I have met in my life. That respects me, adores me... and most importantly - believes in me. And has most graciously offered his home to me to stay at as long as I like. This is ridiculous!!
I'm petrified! I'm planning a trip across the frickin' world!
YAY!

dont drink and dance, folks

a child that walks with its hands by Pyx Lax----
you are the whitest,purest colour of my thoughts
a child that walks with its hands
a woman who killed her dream
and before everyone found out,
she threw it to the stars

you are the whitest,purest colour of my thoughts
a song that i was always too scared to write
the scent of a forgotten sea
which dampens only those things which I wanted to burn

(chorus)
if you want to find me
then play,feel,live
but if you can't
don't leave,
don't disappear

and if the silence which surrounds your beauty
in the end binds your anger with rain
and becomes a verse which forgets your name
and returns again when you come back

you will always be the whitest,purest colour of my thoughts
a child that walks with its hands
a woman who killed her dream
and before everyone found out,
she threw it to the stars

if you want to find me
then play,feel,live
but if you can't
don't leave,don't disappear
don't leave,don't disappear,
don't leave,don't disappear
if you want to find me
then play,feel,liv
ebut if you can't
don't leave,don't disappear

"The humble peyote cactus taught so much to the native americans, it would not be surprising if it could teach wetsern science just as much"

word.

System Of A Down - Tentative Lyrics Suffocation taking all of us for our right
Bombs are overticking by the sides sense no right
The bombs are falling overhead with no say
While you were talking all the cursed
Some tell us where you're going to the bottom
Do you hear us we are rotting?
We're going down in a spiral to the ground
No one, no one's gonna save us now!
Ceremony circum relatives of sacred lifes
The mask are understooding illusion of they're in the fight
The true believers have what's faded and sunlight
when you were walking all beacuse
Oh, tell us where you're going to the bottom
Do you hear us we are rotting?
We're going down in a spiral to the ground
No one, no one's gonna save us now, not even god!
No one saved us, no one's gonna save us
Where do you expect us to go when the bombs fall?
Where do you expect us to go when the bombs fall?
Where do you expect us to go when the bombs fall?
Where do you expect us to go when the bombs fall?
Suffocation taking all of us for our right
Bombs are overticking by the sides sense no right
The bombs are falling over our head with no say
While you were talking all the cursed cursed cursed cursed
cursed
We're going down in a spiral to the ground
No one, no one's gonna save us now! (not even god!)
No one saved us, no one saved us
No one saved us, no one's gonna save us now
Where do you expect us to go when the bombs fall?

I love this. And I traded something I wrote for the ability to be post it - its written by L.K

An ode, a jazzy requiem

I love that I can find hope in the jazzy sparks of old.
They still ring fresh, alive and sweet to my ears,
even though their birth and death pre-dated my conception.
Tales of roads and alleyways,
soliloquy’s under the bridges of industrialized cities,
filled with hope and content for a world so wondrous and large,
yet so small and always within reach.
“I’m on the road!” he screamed with joy and ran head-first into this maelstrom,
as any true eastern idealist would humbly announce with childish joy
to himself and all the people with whom he would by chance cross paths,
a world which wouldn’t spare a second for this Avatar of sorts.
I can still feel a desire to click my fingers and embrace the wonderful streams
of creativity and passion that so easily seem to slip forth
from the hands and lips of these devilish practitioners,
who so humbly hold the secrets of the primal essence of the human psyche.
We’re all a group, all part of a key, infinite bars, one break-down, an instant joy to the ears,
no science can ever explain the fascination brought about
by the artful dodgers of the Quintets and Tangiers.

loving this song.

There is no combination of words
I could put on the back of a postcard
And no song that I could sing, but I can try for your heart
Our dreams, and they are made out of real things
Like a shoebox of photographs with sepia tone loving
Love is the answer
At least for most of the questions in my heart
Why are we here and where do we go
And how come it's so hard
It's not always easy and sometimes life can be deceiving
I'll tell you one thing
It's always better when we're together
Mmm, it's always better when we're together
Yeah, we'll look at the stars when we're together
Well, it's always better when we're together
Yeah, it's always better when we're together
And all of these moments just might find a way into my dreams tonight
But I know that they'll be gone when the morning light sings
Or brings new things for tomorrow night you see
That they'll be gone too, too many things I have to do
But if all of these dreams might find their way into my day to day scene
I'd be under the impression I was somewhere in between
With only two, just me and you, not so many things we got to do
Or places we got to be, we'll sit beneath the mango tree now
Yeah, it's always better when we're together
Mmm, we're somewhere in between together
Well, it's always better when we're together
Yeah, it's always better when we're together (mmm)
I believe in memories, they look so, so pretty when I sleep
And when I wake up, you look so pretty sleeping next to me
But there is not enough time
And there is no, no song I could sing
And there is no combination of words I could say
But I will still tell you one thing
We're better together

Lawrence got me a shirt with the picture I posted of Electric Wizard for Christmas. *drool*
Christmas in Tofino was absoloutely phenomenal.
The last 10 days were absoloutely phenomenal. I have no words, just a massive collection of wicked memories and plans for the future.