Birthday conclusions

I'm not a fan of birthdays. When I was growing up my mom always had a habit of using a birthday or Christmas as ammo to get me to do things. For instance, "you better keep the house in tip top shape if you want to get your birthday present". This always started a month or two before the birthday was even due, and needless to say I'm sure you can imagine how sick I was of hearing it by the time the day actually arrived. It's been something that I still seem to be effected by to this day.
I dread birthdays because of that, but secretly I love the idea of people showing their appreciation with a call or a card, or even just a big friendly hug. I've never liked the idea of somebody planning their own get-together for their own birthday. Okay, I should re-word that - I don't like the idea of ME planning my own get-together for my birthday. It just seems vain, almost, so I have never done it. I guess it's a real catch-22 considering what I'm about to complain about.

On Saturday there was a blues-rolling stones inspired show at the Railway Club, and I gave a bunch of people a call asking them to come out, as did Shaun. Before-hand Shaun had dinner reservations at Kobe's steakhouse for my birthday dinner.
The meal was great, but apparently I was pissing off Shaun ( which I found out later ). The restraunt is really unique. They sit 8 people around a gigantic grill and the meal is prepared right in front of you. As we got there and were sitting down the couple directly across from us started snickering and laughing while staring right at us. I had dressed up quite a bit, and was wearing a very nice low cut dress. Their behavior made me extremely self-conscious, and without realizing it I guess I was being very immature about it and made several catty comments about their behavior during the meal.
When we got back to Shauns house, before going to the Railway Club, things were really awkward. He wasn't talking to me, and we were just sitting there in an awkward silence which was making me very uncomfortable. I finally broke the silence and made a comment that it was weird, and things went downhill from there. Shaun told me I was: "being a bitch at dinner"... and a few more instances where my behavior had upset him.
I started crying and I couldn't stop. Besides Adam, my friends Lora and Geoff were the only two people that had been able to committ to going out that night - and to tell you the truth it made me feel very unimportant. I know it's extremely vain and I'm very embarassed to admit it - but I was really jealous. In the summertime for Adams birthday a TON of people came out, and I felt like I had done alot of stuff for the party to make it special for him. Furthermore - Shaun had been planning it for about 2 weeks in advance, and posted it up on his website so people had ample notice about it. I just felt useless and that I wasn't a good friend to the people I consider a friend... because actions speak louder than words and I was feeling pretty neglected. In the midst of this Lora text messages me, not even calls, to say that she is cancelling as well on coming out. More waterworks.
So now I'm really upset, and I can't even speak because if I open my mouth I'm going to cry even harder. I feel like an asshole because my boyfriend just told me I was behaving like a bitch, and that when I just wanted to spend time with some friends over a few drinks they all had other plans. This is my fault, though - I didn't give anybody any notice about the night - and I recognize that. But I still couldn't shake the hurt.
Then I have Shaun to deal with. Who's upset now because he can't make me feel better, and even when I tell him it's myself that I'm upset with - he still persists. It's beyond frustrating when you're upset at yourself and you have somebody giving you a guilt trip about how they feel bad.... when you're trying to deal with your own emotions.
I wanted to bolt. I wanted to take off, and leave, and walk home by myself, and deal with my emotions the only way I know how. Alone. And I couldn't. I had to stay.
I decided to try and make the best out of a piss-poor situation. I wiped my face, put my chin up, and when Adam came by we went out to the pub around the corner for a few drinks and played some pool. The night kind of worked itself out.

Yesterday was my actual birthday. Went to breakfast with Shaun and Kris at the cambie, had some beers and played some pool. My parents had invited Shaun and I for dinner, so we headed out to the dog park afterwards. Had a couple drinks, and went back to their place for Greek take-out. It was delicious, and my parents and Shaun seemed to really get along which made me very happy.
On the drive home Shaun asked if I'm staying at his house for the night. I couldn't, I needed to have a fresh change of clothes for the morning, and I wanted to get a good nights sleep. He starts day shift today which is at 6:30am start time, and if he slept at my house he'd have to be up around 5am to go home and get his tools, etc. If I was woken up at 5am I wouldn't be able to go back to sleep, so I figured it would be best for us to sleep at our own places. When we got to my apartment he parked his car. I ask him if he's coming in....? He says yes he wants to sleep over. I was under the impression that it had been made clear while we were driving over that we were going to sleep at our own places so I was a little annoyed, when he says: "what is that not okay?" And I answered honestly - I couldn't really say no at that point because we were already in my house! Either way, I eat it and concede that it was ok for him to stay.
I'm still very new to living with my roomie, and I didn't know if he was awake or asleep so I was asking Shaun to be quiet. He's got a very loud voice and was a bit drunk, so I kept having to ask him to keep it down. I don't have my door hinged on so you have to physically pick it up and place it over the door if you want to get in or out. Shaun had to go to the washroom and he flung the door 'open' - which was impossible as it wasn't hinged - and it came crashing down and smashed into the wall. It was VERY loud. Shauns laughing. I tell him it's not funny, we're supposed to be quiet - and he tells me thats it's hilarious. I'm not impressed.
Shaun then packs up in a huff to leave, then changes his mind and decides not to. He's upset and emotional, and I'm confused and totally emotionally strung out. ENOUGH ALREADY! He's telling me about why he's upset and keeps saying that he just needs to be alone and sort his head out. So I suggest he do that. He gets upset again - packs up and leaves...

I'm emotionally frazzled, totally and completely done.
I've come to the realization that I need to put alot more effort into my friendships if I want the kind of results that I do. To "Be the change you want in the world". I see this as a very important realization, and something that probably seems totally obvious to most people - but apparently not to myself. I want friends that I can watch movies with, or take yoga classes with, or just shoot the shit over coffee instead of people that I only seem to see when we're going out and getting drunk. I'm sick of drinking and I'm sick of the scene that I've apparently gotten caught up in. I want to be that happy, smiling, extremely positive person that I know I can be again instead of the naysaying, negative bitch that I seem to have settled into. Enough with that.

The second issue is with my relationship, and I'm not sure what's going on with that or even where we stand. We've been having communication issues lately. I am feeling like every time I am speaking with him he's correcting me. And it's silly things, too - and because he's doing it to me without realizing it I'm doing it back. Viscious cycle. We seem to be constantly offending eachother. On Saturday he told me like he felt like he was the one doing all of the work in the relationship and that I wasn't putting any effort into it. I'm totally unsure what has him feeling that way, because I'm always telling him how much I appreciate what he does for me - not to mention the fact we haven't even seen much of eachother because he way working nights. So.... where does that leave us - ? I'm confused, and frustrated, and I'm very hurt. I don't like being told that I'm a virtual 'freeloader' in a relationship when I don't feel that way at all. And I don't do well with people trying to force themselves into my psyche.... which he has done to me on several occasions already.

I don't know what to do. I feel like I've been backed into a corner and I'm doing my very best to make the right decision on how to get out of it. I've been extremely courteous to every person I have come in contact with today, even when they weren't returning the favor, and this is something I am adamant on continuing.
When I came back from Colorado in December of 2003 I was seeing clearer than I have in my entire life, and I am going to do everything in my power to return myself to that state of mind. I embodied the phrase 'appreciate and respect everything' and in return I was the happiest I have ever been in my life. I didn't complain about ridiculous things, I treated my body with care, I was extremely passionate about the things that made me happy and made a point every single day to take time out for myself. I treated the people who deserved it with the utmost respect and the favor was returned to me ten fold. I'm not sure where I lost my way but I am as determined as ever to put myself back on that track.
Nothing is gained by self-pity, and I spent enough time this weekend dwelling in a big pit of my own.