RIP Ralph Doycher.
The most selfless man I have ever met in my life.

There is alot more to life than just existing

I'm feeling alot better today. The combination of a really good chat with an aqquaintence yesterday turned out to be extremely helpful, and even prompted me to put my pride behind me and make the first attempt to contact el boy. I'm proud of myself for doing so - for being a bigger person than I had been able to in the past, and telling him where my head was at.
I have no idea if anything is going to come of it, and I'd be lying if I said I expected things to magically put themselves back together. I never really believed the whole Humpty Dumpty theory when in relation to relationships, but we have agreed to sit down together and have a good heart to heart about it. It's a good feeling to know that I will have some light shone on everything instead of being left to my own devices ( read: oh.god.stop.overanalyzing.every.damn.thing.you.baboon )

I have met a very cool chica by the name of Jenilee recently who has proven to be quite the hook-up. She works for a supplier for skate gear and has been selling me odds and ends at a ridiculously cheap price! I picked up a brand new black and pink etnies hoody from her last night, lined with long john material ( I didn't even know they did this! ) for $20! She's also got a seasons pass to Seymour, so I told her if she ever wants a partner in crime to drop me a line. And on an oh so secretive front she's also given me a heads up on a top secret sample sale in the future that I'm jacked up on. I don't think I will be able to buy anything ( read: budget ) but it's cool knowing somebody who can drop you a line on those things in the future!

I've got some plans this weekend I'm stoked on. Payam wants to go down to Seattle to hit up the Thanksgiving sales, so I agreed to tag along with him and provide the oh-so-coveted female p.o.v on what to buy and what to steer clear of :P Yes, I will be leaving all forms of my own money at home - purely there to provide opinions! Then his friends band Madison's Panick ( shameless plug here: http://www.madisonspanic.com/ ) is playing at The Media Club along with three other bands. I HIGHLY suggest anybody in the area to consider checking these guys out.... their music is available on their site. There is nobody out there right now with this sound, in my opinion. Solid crisp vocals over guitar and bass, with strings! I'm an official groupie, it seems - and I have a couple disks of their music for the first three people who would like it~!

Sunday I'm going out to Chilliwack again to see my grampa. He started his chemo on Monday, and as can be expected it's really taking it's toll on his already weakened body. I will be strong, and I will be there for my family - because that's what you do when things get tough.

I'm looking forward to things looking up. On that note I got a not-so part-time job last night. Mon-Fri 5pm - 10pm, and then 5 hour shifts on the weekends. It's a temporary position running for 5 weeks making those pre-assembled gift baskets you see everywhere for Christmas with all the assorted cheeses and whatnot. It's not a glamorous job, but it's going to work with my current work schedual ( until the 8th anyways ), is five minutes away from my house, and is going to let me pay down some more of my debtload.
It's going to be a little rough for the first few days, I'm sure - but I have to do what I have to do.
I'll be working for the next 2 weeks: Mon - Fri 9am-4pm in the Dr's office, then 5pm-10pm at the warehouse. So whew... time to brace for 2 weeks of an 80 hour work week! haha. Awesome. I'm actually really looking forward to it. That way if something goes south with the job here for a month or however I have a back-up plan. Good stuff!

YAY!!!!!!!

who sends the woman they've been dating for several months a letter signed Mr so-and-so.

what the hell is that all about?

I am jack's raging bile duct

So Shaun sends me an msn asking if I hac shoot him the $40 I owe him and I say no problem. I asked him to bring me my fave pair of pants at his house as I haven't been there in ages. We arrange to meet up at Rogers, as I wanted to rent The life Aquatic again.
I pay for the movies, and as we're walking to the car so I can snag my pants he blurts out:
"This isn't working for me"
I tell him I can see this, as he looks So wound up and his voice is tight.
We walk in silence for a few moments.
"Is that all you're going to say?"I tell him I have no idea what to say to that. I am not good in emotional communication sessions, especially when they catch me so off guard. What do I say to this, what do I do - ? As far as I am concerned we haven't even seen eachother in however many days so as far as I know this is all in response to my letter asking for space.
And I think that I am entitled to that, given the circumstances.
So He asks me what i think.
And I tell him that I feel him putting me into this place is actually him being selfish.I took two hours to write him out a letter telling him why I was struggling, why I felt that us being together at the moment didn't seem to be condusive to my getting me out of my mental funk, that I loved him and hope he understood.
Clearly - he did not.
He went on to tell me that I treat him like shit, that he doesn't feel like a person when he's with me, and that he's got questions regarding my loyalty to him
What?!
Apparently it's not even him who thought of it first, but some third party.
I was totally thrown.
What the fuck is this all about - ?
I tell him that if he wants to make a decision based on other people's perception, then that's his perogative. Like I can control other people asking him if we're even still dating - ? And why is that such a big deal, anyways?
I tried to take time for myself to fix me, because I know that I'm really fucked up right now, and know that my behavior is not fair to him. So I tried to take myself out of the equation for a while until I can get back on track, and now I've been jack knifed.
He tells me that he wanted me to tell him how I wished that it would have worked out.
I'm so shell-shocked that I still haven't input this information into my head.
He tells me that I always turn things around and make him the bad guy, and that I don't appreciate him at all.
That every time he does something I am cutting him down.
We're standing on the side of the road and he's just feeding me all of this information, at a decible loud enough that everybody walking by can hear about how selfish I am.
I am jack's raging bile duct.
I guess it was upsetting him that I wasn't.... I don't know, crying and begging him to give me another chance? Agreeing? Telling him how sorry I am?
He says whatever, it's not even worth trying to talk about.
"I love you but I can't fucking stand you right now. Goodbye"
End scene, car drives away leaving me standing there in the fog.
he had actually packed up what seems to be everything I had at his house clothes-wise. So I'm standing there wondering what the fuck happened.
Put my headphones back in, continue listening to Tool - the band I have in constant rotation when I'm going through tough times.
And I walked home.

And here I am. I don't even know how to comprehend what just happened.
I don't feel like I did anything wrong. I thought that my decision to take time for myself was actually something that would have worked out for us better in the future, that once i had this sorted out I could deal with my feelings for Shaun and our relationship.
But I guess slamming the door shut was easier for him than letting me take the time I needed for myself.
Telling me that I treated him poorly, and voicing the disdain he felt about me."I guess this is the REAL Trina" he says.
Thats precisely why I was taking time away from him. That he see's fit to react like I have some second personality when I'm confused.
I have never misrepresented who I am. I am the first one to admit my faults, but that doesn't mean I can fix them by snapping my fingers, or make them go away. I fucking wish that I could.... it'd make my life a whole lot easier, but I can't.

I've been trying to make things better for myself. Find some peace of mind. And I'm an emotional girl. I haven't been deadling with all of the things in my life that are not going well with any sort of grace...but I didn't expect this

I like this smiling picture game. Boh

Proof I can not only smile, but smirk.

General Malice is playing tonight at the met. Dark, dirty Jungle. I plan on going and dancing my ass off. I'm actually really looking forward to it.
I haven't really talked to Shaun in days. I know that I asked him for space, but it feels weird to just be incomminucato. Will I ever have a handle on what I want - ?
Adam's back in town. Thats neat.
I've been flying off the handle drinking because I've been so upset. This is bad for the obvious reason, the fact that I don't really have the money to blow, and that I have a tendency to tell people my dark dirty secrets after having a bunch of beers.
Not that I've dont anything embarassing, but I have been quite candid with the roomie. who made us a delicious pizza last night I enjoyed as a midnight snack. Yumm!

I'm trying extremely hard to stay happy, smiling, and in a good place mentally
it feels like in the last 2 weeks my whole life has fallen apart... and I'm just flailing around trying to be productive about it and not lose it upstairs... and some days are just REALLY hard
Today is one of those days
I can't bear to look in the mirror I'm so upset about what I see.
A mess.
Oh, clarity.... please come to me soon.

The unexpected

So apparently my boss is having so much trouble with his knee that he might actually have to take a few months off work. Rendering me totally jobless and without a noticable and/or viable option.

It's funny how life has a habit of turning you upside down when you least expect it. Two months ago I was on top of the world, and it has seemingly rolled me down and left me to forge my own road, once more.

Guess it was time for a change, anyways

Trevor's cat snuggled under the blankets with me last night when I was sleeping... and I swear it was the greatest thing ever, I'll be grinning all day because of it!!

I woke up feeling on top of the world today

Birthday conclusions

I'm not a fan of birthdays. When I was growing up my mom always had a habit of using a birthday or Christmas as ammo to get me to do things. For instance, "you better keep the house in tip top shape if you want to get your birthday present". This always started a month or two before the birthday was even due, and needless to say I'm sure you can imagine how sick I was of hearing it by the time the day actually arrived. It's been something that I still seem to be effected by to this day.
I dread birthdays because of that, but secretly I love the idea of people showing their appreciation with a call or a card, or even just a big friendly hug. I've never liked the idea of somebody planning their own get-together for their own birthday. Okay, I should re-word that - I don't like the idea of ME planning my own get-together for my birthday. It just seems vain, almost, so I have never done it. I guess it's a real catch-22 considering what I'm about to complain about.

On Saturday there was a blues-rolling stones inspired show at the Railway Club, and I gave a bunch of people a call asking them to come out, as did Shaun. Before-hand Shaun had dinner reservations at Kobe's steakhouse for my birthday dinner.
The meal was great, but apparently I was pissing off Shaun ( which I found out later ). The restraunt is really unique. They sit 8 people around a gigantic grill and the meal is prepared right in front of you. As we got there and were sitting down the couple directly across from us started snickering and laughing while staring right at us. I had dressed up quite a bit, and was wearing a very nice low cut dress. Their behavior made me extremely self-conscious, and without realizing it I guess I was being very immature about it and made several catty comments about their behavior during the meal.
When we got back to Shauns house, before going to the Railway Club, things were really awkward. He wasn't talking to me, and we were just sitting there in an awkward silence which was making me very uncomfortable. I finally broke the silence and made a comment that it was weird, and things went downhill from there. Shaun told me I was: "being a bitch at dinner"... and a few more instances where my behavior had upset him.
I started crying and I couldn't stop. Besides Adam, my friends Lora and Geoff were the only two people that had been able to committ to going out that night - and to tell you the truth it made me feel very unimportant. I know it's extremely vain and I'm very embarassed to admit it - but I was really jealous. In the summertime for Adams birthday a TON of people came out, and I felt like I had done alot of stuff for the party to make it special for him. Furthermore - Shaun had been planning it for about 2 weeks in advance, and posted it up on his website so people had ample notice about it. I just felt useless and that I wasn't a good friend to the people I consider a friend... because actions speak louder than words and I was feeling pretty neglected. In the midst of this Lora text messages me, not even calls, to say that she is cancelling as well on coming out. More waterworks.
So now I'm really upset, and I can't even speak because if I open my mouth I'm going to cry even harder. I feel like an asshole because my boyfriend just told me I was behaving like a bitch, and that when I just wanted to spend time with some friends over a few drinks they all had other plans. This is my fault, though - I didn't give anybody any notice about the night - and I recognize that. But I still couldn't shake the hurt.
Then I have Shaun to deal with. Who's upset now because he can't make me feel better, and even when I tell him it's myself that I'm upset with - he still persists. It's beyond frustrating when you're upset at yourself and you have somebody giving you a guilt trip about how they feel bad.... when you're trying to deal with your own emotions.
I wanted to bolt. I wanted to take off, and leave, and walk home by myself, and deal with my emotions the only way I know how. Alone. And I couldn't. I had to stay.
I decided to try and make the best out of a piss-poor situation. I wiped my face, put my chin up, and when Adam came by we went out to the pub around the corner for a few drinks and played some pool. The night kind of worked itself out.

Yesterday was my actual birthday. Went to breakfast with Shaun and Kris at the cambie, had some beers and played some pool. My parents had invited Shaun and I for dinner, so we headed out to the dog park afterwards. Had a couple drinks, and went back to their place for Greek take-out. It was delicious, and my parents and Shaun seemed to really get along which made me very happy.
On the drive home Shaun asked if I'm staying at his house for the night. I couldn't, I needed to have a fresh change of clothes for the morning, and I wanted to get a good nights sleep. He starts day shift today which is at 6:30am start time, and if he slept at my house he'd have to be up around 5am to go home and get his tools, etc. If I was woken up at 5am I wouldn't be able to go back to sleep, so I figured it would be best for us to sleep at our own places. When we got to my apartment he parked his car. I ask him if he's coming in....? He says yes he wants to sleep over. I was under the impression that it had been made clear while we were driving over that we were going to sleep at our own places so I was a little annoyed, when he says: "what is that not okay?" And I answered honestly - I couldn't really say no at that point because we were already in my house! Either way, I eat it and concede that it was ok for him to stay.
I'm still very new to living with my roomie, and I didn't know if he was awake or asleep so I was asking Shaun to be quiet. He's got a very loud voice and was a bit drunk, so I kept having to ask him to keep it down. I don't have my door hinged on so you have to physically pick it up and place it over the door if you want to get in or out. Shaun had to go to the washroom and he flung the door 'open' - which was impossible as it wasn't hinged - and it came crashing down and smashed into the wall. It was VERY loud. Shauns laughing. I tell him it's not funny, we're supposed to be quiet - and he tells me thats it's hilarious. I'm not impressed.
Shaun then packs up in a huff to leave, then changes his mind and decides not to. He's upset and emotional, and I'm confused and totally emotionally strung out. ENOUGH ALREADY! He's telling me about why he's upset and keeps saying that he just needs to be alone and sort his head out. So I suggest he do that. He gets upset again - packs up and leaves...

I'm emotionally frazzled, totally and completely done.
I've come to the realization that I need to put alot more effort into my friendships if I want the kind of results that I do. To "Be the change you want in the world". I see this as a very important realization, and something that probably seems totally obvious to most people - but apparently not to myself. I want friends that I can watch movies with, or take yoga classes with, or just shoot the shit over coffee instead of people that I only seem to see when we're going out and getting drunk. I'm sick of drinking and I'm sick of the scene that I've apparently gotten caught up in. I want to be that happy, smiling, extremely positive person that I know I can be again instead of the naysaying, negative bitch that I seem to have settled into. Enough with that.

The second issue is with my relationship, and I'm not sure what's going on with that or even where we stand. We've been having communication issues lately. I am feeling like every time I am speaking with him he's correcting me. And it's silly things, too - and because he's doing it to me without realizing it I'm doing it back. Viscious cycle. We seem to be constantly offending eachother. On Saturday he told me like he felt like he was the one doing all of the work in the relationship and that I wasn't putting any effort into it. I'm totally unsure what has him feeling that way, because I'm always telling him how much I appreciate what he does for me - not to mention the fact we haven't even seen much of eachother because he way working nights. So.... where does that leave us - ? I'm confused, and frustrated, and I'm very hurt. I don't like being told that I'm a virtual 'freeloader' in a relationship when I don't feel that way at all. And I don't do well with people trying to force themselves into my psyche.... which he has done to me on several occasions already.

I don't know what to do. I feel like I've been backed into a corner and I'm doing my very best to make the right decision on how to get out of it. I've been extremely courteous to every person I have come in contact with today, even when they weren't returning the favor, and this is something I am adamant on continuing.
When I came back from Colorado in December of 2003 I was seeing clearer than I have in my entire life, and I am going to do everything in my power to return myself to that state of mind. I embodied the phrase 'appreciate and respect everything' and in return I was the happiest I have ever been in my life. I didn't complain about ridiculous things, I treated my body with care, I was extremely passionate about the things that made me happy and made a point every single day to take time out for myself. I treated the people who deserved it with the utmost respect and the favor was returned to me ten fold. I'm not sure where I lost my way but I am as determined as ever to put myself back on that track.
Nothing is gained by self-pity, and I spent enough time this weekend dwelling in a big pit of my own.

Birthday present to myself...

I spent my very last few dollars until Thursday on a pass at Blackcombs opening day..... it was beautiful!

well this sucks

Working in collections for as long as I did has ruined my temper and patience level. I have no patience at all, and i get frustrated EXTREMELY easily. And I absoloutely hate it. I'm aware of it while it's happening and I still can't control myself, I can't curb the attitude in my voice, and I can't stop myself short to force myself to behave like a human being.
It's been happening ALOT lately, especially with my boyfriend, and I'm getting really really agitated with it. I'm trying really hard to change it, fix it, stop doing it - but it's not as easy as you would think. I spent three and a half years being a professional bitch... I've been out of that profession for just over a year now... and that's a year of trying to maintain my composure while frustrated... and failing. And I'm really really really sick of it. I'm sick of treating people poorly without meaning to, and sick of saying I'm sorry for something I should be able to control...

I have enough things about me that I dislike that I can't control, it's really upsetting that I can identify something that needs to be changed and being totally ineffective at making it happen. Gah