I have been mentally flailing all over the place lately, and taking shit out on people all over the place for no apparent reason ( mostly myself, believe it or not )... and I've lost myself. And I couldn't figure what it was, or what was causing me to feel so lost and alone and lonely... and it's just that I have stopped feeding myself the things that make me... me. Doesn't that sound so simple? Yeah.. it does.
I've been experiencing feelings lately that were extremely familiar to me, and extremely obsessive. Feelings about my weight... that I was carrying around an extra 15 pounds of fat in various area's of my body that were hideous and gross. And for the life of me... I could NOT get the thought out of my head. It was seriously eating me alive... all day long I was constantly aware of my stomache, or my ass, my complexion, and obsessing about what I was eating ( if I was eating at all ). And this wasn't for blatant vanity reasons.. I'm not trying to compete with anybody, or to impress a guy... I'm just stuck on my image for some unknown reason.
So I was thinking about everything and I got home and I put in a Sublime CD full blast, and opened all the blinds and the door... and BAM... instantly happy. Instantly stoked. I was like... what the hell, I just put on a favorite cd and it changed my whole mood... and then it made sense to me. Maybe I have been starving me of the things that make me... me. I can't tell you the last time I went for a wicked long skate, cranked sublime and decorated the house or holy shit.. painted, worked in my visual journal, or just spent some quality time with myself.
By starving myself of the things that make me happy it's left me blank. Easily suseptible (sp) to bad moods by the events that surround me, or the situations that I am in. And it's really turning me into somebody that I don't want to be around.
I dont know if this is just random sewage thats coming into my head and somehow making sense... but it does make sense. It clicked something inside, and I'm going to make a 110% effort to rectify the situation. More time for pro-active solutions. More time for jogging, and physical excersize so I dont need to obsess about my weight. More time to explore my creativity... yeah, just more time for me. And if I dont make the time, it wont get done, so I NEED to do this for me.
